Last Hope
by kadaj the second
Summary: The gang meets up with a pair of teenage girls. One is a schizophrenic survivalist, and the other is... rather Columbus-like. Chaos and hilarity ensues when they decide to team up and travel cross-country to find a permanent home. Rated M for language.
1. Chapter 1

Apocalypse is in 2010.

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><p>Somewhere in North Texas, June, 2011<p>

**Vivian's PoV- **  
>Where the hell was she? Lunch was ready an hour ago, and she still wasn't home. I frowned, that really wasn't like Tierney to miss a meal. Ludwig barked and ran in a circle in front of the door. I let him in the back of the truck. If she's late, she better have a good reason. I stood by the truck. I sat down a while later. I climbed the roof. Well, thought of climbing the roof. "LUDY!" I distracted myself for a while by scratching the German Shepard's belly. "Who's the cutest puppy in the world? That's right, you are!" Ludwig loved being petted around his belly, that was his weak spot.<p>

We headed back inside and I started eating lunch. Ludwig began to bark and ran back outside. I went after him, and heard the motor of a freaking monster truck. That is so her, I thought. Then I saw the front of a big black Escalade and realized it wasn't her. Ludwig was going nuts. You wouldn't realize it by looking at him, but he was barely a year old. He'd never seen the outside of a moving car, or other non-zombie humans. I ran back inside and looked for my scythe. It was on the couch, how did it get there? I grabbed it and ran out through the back door, "Lud!" I called,looking for a place to hide. I heard gunshots and jumped in the closest thing I could find. A tomato box. I got comfortable inside it, which was a little more than difficult since there was old tomato paste cans in there. Odd, and slightly ironic. I started thinking of my excuses of what to say so they wouldn't kill me. Where the hell was Tierney? I started panicking. What if they killed me? And then killed her? I can't die yet! I'm only 16!

Someone kicked the box and I fell out, "Please don't kill me! I'll do anything you ask! I don't wanna die!"Ludwig ran to my side. He started barking like crazy. "Aww Ludy, you really do care," I thought. Well what else could I say? "You wouldn't kill a virgin, would you?" I started to cry a little bit to possibly get enough pity from the two girls. The nerdy looking guy sighed tiredly, "Just because he didn't kill me, doesn't mean he wouldn't kill you." The older girl snorted with laughter.

The older guy with the cowboy hat kept the rifle between my eyes, "How do we know you aren't bitten or a con artist?"

"DO I LOOK LIKE A CON ARTIST?" I yelled.

The cowboy scoffed, "THEY didn't..."

Just then, I heard the most beautiful voice I will ever hear, "Looks like you're still alive, Vivi. Put the guns down, or this guy gets it." Could it be? Is it really her? Cowboy turned to see what was going on, and I saw Tierney holding a Colt .44 to the nerd guy's neck. And her shirt was especially bloody seeing as how it was clean when she left. I scooted as far away from Cowboy as I could.

"WHAT in the HELL is it with girls and conning people?" he yelled, turning to shoot me. But I was already behind her.

"We aren't con artists, dude. I'm just trying to protect my group. Who are you?" Tierney retorted.  
>I punched her in the arm, "Where were you? Why do you look like hell? Oh my god, you DO look like hell! What'd you do?"<br>She glanced at me, irritated, "I'm busy. Try again later."  
>"You're not a magic 8 ball! Tell me what happened!" I yelled. She just shook me off. I started looking around the yard. Maybe if I can go back inside the tomato box... No, I can't leave Tierney here by herself to deal with these people. Sure, she's psycho enough to handle it on her own and I'm always getting in her way, but still I can't leave her here. The Cowboy was pointing his gun at us. The nerdy guy was freaking out at the gun Tierney was pointing at him. Ludwig was barking like crazy and the two girls weren't even pretending to do anything. They were just watching like we were a really realistic movie or something. My scythe was still by the box; what if I could reach it?<p>

Tierney rolled her eyes and pulled a knife out from under the back of her shirt, "Be useful. Don't get the scythe." I took it from her with a 'wtf?' look on my face and sighed, she was beyond all explanation...

Finally, the older girl ended the stare-down Tierney had going on with her and the Cowboy, "Who are you, and how do we know you're not dangerous?"

"Who are YOU, and how do WE know YOU aren't dangerous?" I replied warily.

"I'm Wichita, this is Little Rock, the big lump over there is Tallahassee, and you've got Columbus as a hostage. Who are you?"

"What's with the weird names?" Tierney asked, completely forgetting that our lives were at stake. I was tempted to punch her in the arm again, but I also really wanted to know.

"It's dangerous to get attached to people in Zombieland," Cow- I mean, Tallahassee, replied in his Southern accent, "we don't use names 'cause that's how you get close to people. So we go by where we're from."

She nodded pensively, "In that case, I'm Mission and she's Roma." she stared off into the trees, "God, that's weird... Just call me Mish or Tex, I'll be fine with either. Stupid squirrel..."

I rolled my eyes, "Is this really the time for your ADD to kick in?"

She blinked and pushed Columbus back to his group, "What? Oh, I must still be riding the adrenaline."

I hit her again, "What adrenaline? What'd you do this time? You were only supposed to be gone to get supplies and gas!"

She smiled randomly, staring off into the distance again, "Ella le gusta la gasolina, dame mas gasolina..."

I sat down on the ground dejectedly, "How have you managed to stay alive for so long?"

She paused for a few seconds, then laughed, "I have no freaking idea." The others just watched us, and judging by their faces, they were really confused. She snapped her fingers, "I'm just leaving you at I had to bite another zombie. That's all you need to know about what happened, and if you ask or hit me about it again, I may or may not have to hurt you, depending on how I feel at that moment."

"You BIT a zombie?" Columbus yelled, looking like he was about to faint. Even Tallahassee seemed taken aback. She nodded innocently, I rolled my eyes and scratched Ludwig's side, deciding to stay out of it. "Why?"

"He pissed me off. So I bit him." She explained it as if it was the most natural thing in the world, "Ripped his rotting throat out too..." she muttered, picking at her thumb.

"But aren't you like, worried? At all? That you might turn into a zombie?" he pressed.

"Why? I've done it before, and it's supposed to be the other way around for me to turn. I see no issue."

"Ya bit a zombie... What in the hell would possess you ta do that in the first place?" Tallahassee asked.

"I ran out of bullets and he grabbed my arm. Instinct kicked in and I got pissed... So I bit him..." she replied meekly, shaking the Colt.

Tallahassee and Columbus really got a kick out of that. "You mean you were never gonna shoot the spitfuck?" Tallahassee yelled.

Wichita put her arm around Columbus's waist, "Is it really that bad that she wasn't gonna shoot him?"

Tierney nodded thoughtfully, "I would've probably had to stab him though. If only that was effective on zombies..."

I just remained silent. What was I supposed to do? I started reminiscing about my family just to take my mind off the crazy situation happening. Well not that crazy. Everyone was just talking, kinda, and even Ludwig was calm. I'm hungry... Man I knew I should've saved lunch for later.. I'm kinda bored now.. Where's my inhaler? Did Ludwig take that again too? Man.. I have the worst luck in the world... First I feel like an outcast, then I'm hungry and then my inhalers missing! Gasp.. And I could really use it right now.. I started gasping for air. Tierney turned back to me, "Did he take it again?" I tried to nod. Ludwig just watched.

"Screw... You..." I muttered darkly.

"Me or Lud?" she asked, kneeling down next to me.

"Whichever."

She sighed, "Ludwig. Inhaler, jetzt." The German Shepherd ran into the house and came back with a slightly slobbered inhaler. She laughed with disgusted delight and cleaned it up, "Beggars can't be choosers, comrade."

"Sigh, can't you clean it up a little more?"

"It depends... Do you want zombie blood on it? Or is dog slobber better? Dogs have cleaner mouths than humans, you know. I'm not the one who can't breathe so this bothers me not at all."

But I had already passed out. I had no idea what went on afterwards.

**(Tierney's Pov)**  
>"Shit, she's dead!" Columbus yelled, going into another panic. I sat there for a few seconds, debating on my choices. On one hand, she could get over the attack on her own, but that wasn't likely so on the other hand I could either do CPR on her or I could just use a balloon pump and get her air that way. I got up and started rummaging around in the garden shed, "What the hell are you doing, she's dying!" Wichita yelled. "I'll give her CPR!" The nerd, Columbus, yelled.<br>"No, don't ruin my fun!" I shouted, finding a party balloon pump. I grinned evilly, putting it in her mouth and sealing her mouth and nose with my hand to keep the air from escaping. I started pumping like mad, creating my own sort of CPR. I leaned down to check if she was breathing again, and she hit me. Abusive. "If there were anyone to report you to, I so would," we both complained.  
>Little Rock was dying of laughter, "Can we keep them?"<br>Tallahassee sighed, "I guess so. Even if one them is a zombie-biter."  
>I smiled smugly, "You know you secretly wish you'd thought of it first." He just gave me a dirty look.<br>Ludwig barked at the approaching zombies. Don't they ever give up? We pulled out our weapons.  
>"I think I'll try biting them this time." Tallahassee smirked.<br>Columbus rolled his eyes. "Just regular fighting please. We don't want anything to happen."  
>"You mean it wasn't regular?" I smiled.<p> 


	2. Chapter 2

Sorry about the relative shortness of this chapter, my friend and I got a little lazy with it. Since this is something of a pointless story to waste time and be funny, we don't really have a set anything for it and would enjoy suggestions from you, our fans. xD if we even have any... Also, let it be known that neither of us own, have owned, or will ever probably own, Zombieland and it's characters in any other form than the DVD or other multimedia forms. Big words...

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><p><em><span>Vivian's PoV<span>_

More zombies? This only adds to all the crazy events that have happened in the past hours. I can still taste the balloon pump. Ew.. So disgusting.. Was that her only option? No. She could've done something else like a sensible person! And she says I'm abusive...

I got the knife Tierney gave me. It'll have to do for now. The zombies came closer and Little Rock was already aiming at some of them. They must be really experienced at this, I thought. Well, they should be if they survived this long... I started preparing myself for the zombies, but then all I could hear was my stomach. Oh great. I can't fight on an empty stomach. Maybe I could sit this one out... I imagined Tierney shaking her head and calling me a wimp. Sigh.. I guess I'll still fight.

The group started attacking the zombies like they'd done it for years. In mere moments, all the zombies were defeated. Whew.. Maybe now I can look for some food.

"Sigh... Maybe next time I'll bite one." Tallahassee muttered, disappointed.  
>"You're not really serious about it, are you?" Columbus asked, grimacing with disgust. Tallahassee simply grunted and went off to clean his nails with a knife. "Whats that supposed to mean?" Columbus yelled.<p>

I sneaked inside to find some food. I think there's still some ice cream in the freezer. I tried to be as quiet as I could so no one would notice. If they knew we had food, they would all want food and we didn't have enough to feed them all. Well, we did. I just didn't feel like sharing with them. I got some ice cream out of the freezer and started eating. I still heard them talking outside, so I'm safe for now.

After I finished, I sneaked back outside and acted like I hadn't missed out on anything. Haha.. It worked perfectly. But then again, I'm kind of invisible anyway.

I saw the balloon pump, and tried to stop thinking about throwing it at Tierney's head. No matter how much she deserved it, I wouldn't do it. Mostly, because she get me back worse and cause she was my friend. Without her, I probably would've died a long time ago from poisonous ice cream or something. She was dumping all her tinkertoys into plastic bins.

"Hey, why are you doing that?" I asked.  
>"I have made the executive decision to join these fine people on their journey to wherever it is that they will make their permanent home."<br>"On what grounds? Who said you had that authority?"  
>"On the grounds of I am bored of here, and on the authority of you ain't my momma." she replied in her Zim voice. She was being stubborn again...<br>"I'm not your momma! Ain't isn't a word! And I live here too! I deserve to have some opinion when you decide to let people we don't know well live here!"  
>"They're not gonna live here. We're gonna leave with them. Wichita and Little Rock heard of a place in Michigan where there's a 'zombie-free zone'. We go there, you don't have to be zombie bait anymore." I sighed, shivering at the memories, "I still hate you for that..."<br>"As well you should. You going?"  
>"Fine. You were gonna knock me out and take me anyways, weren't you?"<br>She smiled enigmatically, "Perhaps, young Jedi... Perhaps."  
>I looked away. Zombie bait.. All of the memories.. The horrible, horrible memories... Memories that this horrible, horrible girl made me go through! Why I put up with this? I have no idea.<br>They didn't seem that bad. A little odd, but who wasn't? Hopefully I could get along with them, and hopefully they won't be as abusive as Tierney either.. We can only hope. Please.. Let them be good people.


	3. Chapter 3

Tierney's PoV

I sat on the roof of the first floor, waiting. It seemed like dawn would never arrive. One good thing about Zombieland was that I could finally see the stars. I stood up, not wanting to get too comfortable, and started naming as many constellations as I could. Vivi would be pissed in the morning that I had skipped another night of sleep, but I didn't trust the other group. Not yet, at least. Eh, I'll just sleep in the car. I started up a conversation with myself, trying to convince myself to trust the strangers. Stupid paranoia. Stupid insomnia. Stupid everything else wrong with me.  
>I heard Vivian muttering to herself and that distracted me from my thinking. What the hell about Ludwig in a dress? I sighed, perhaps it was best if I never heard that dream... But she'd probably tell me all about it in the morning. After she murdered me for drinking coffee after 36 hours of no sleep.<br>I strolled down to the other windows to eavesdrop on the others. Tallahassee was fighting with his pillow over an imaginary Twinkie. "Get away from my Twinkies, ya damn zombies!" I snickered quietly.  
>Wichita and Little Rock were sharing a room, and it was really quiet in there. I rolled my eyes, no fun. I went on to Columbo's room, hoping that he had an embarrassing sleeping quirk. That was interesting! It seemed someone else was having an issue with the Sandman.<br>I crouched by his window and knocked. He jumped and almost shot me. He practically dragged me inside, "Mission, what the hell are you doing on the roof in the middle of the night?"  
>I rolled my eyes, "Tex. Please. Or Madero, at least. Aw, that sounds way cooler. I'm on the roof 'cause I'm doing my ninja training. I can't sleep, why do you think?"<br>"It's two in the morning, can't you try again?"  
>I rolled my eyes, "Can't you?"<br>He grinned sheepishly, "You and Wichita are gonna be best friends."  
>"At this point, I'll be happy with just trusting any of you." I sighed, sitting on the bed.<br>"What do you mean? We're trustworthy!"  
>"I have a problem trusting people. Like, a big problem."<br>"Why?"  
>"I dunno. I've just always been like that, I guess. It's pretty sad to say, but I think Zombieland might be the best thing that ever happened to me."<br>"Why do you say that?"  
>"I'm alone. There's no one who can break my trust, because they're all dead."<br>"But you're not alone."  
>"A few people and a dog doesn't mean I'm not alone. I could just waltz out of here right now into the grasslands and I'd be completely alone. I want company but I also need solitude."<br>"We all do, don't we?"  
>I scoffed, "That's probably part of the reason I don't sleep. I spend all day around people, so at night I sort of relish the freedom. And also 'cause it takes me all day to wake up. And Warcraft made me like that..."<br>"You play WoW?"  
>"Fucking dude, WoW was like the one thing keeping me sane through pre-ZL adolescence. I was nothing without my Undead rogue."<br>"Aww, a girl gamer! What level?"  
>I grinned sheepishly, "Level 20. I hardly ever went to my grandma's house to play on my uncle's computer, and when I did, I mostly goofed around and leatherworked for them."<br>He high-fived me, "That's freaking cool."  
>I sighed, "I'm bored again. Amuse me."<br>"How?"  
>"I dunno. Do something funny."<br>"How about we get to know each other? So you can at least trust someone besides Roma and your dog."  
>I rolled my eyes, "Go ahead."<br>"Who would you most like to meet if they were still alive?"  
>"Either Dremlock or Johnny Depp. Because Drem is outrageous, and because, do I have to explain Johnny Depp? You?"<br>"I accidentally shot and killed Bill Murray... So... Yeah..."  
>"Get out."<br>"What?"  
>"Get the fuck out, Bill Murray killer! Why?"<br>"It was an accident! He looked like a zombie and it was instinct!"  
>"Bill Murray, why?"<br>"Shh! Anyway, how did you guys survive?"  
>I laughed, "Now that's a story. We were up in San Antonio for Regionals, and actually, I met Patient Zero. Even though I didn't know it at the time. My friend Jocelyn had to rip the burger outta my hand."<br>"You bite zombies and almost ate the contaminated burger? Do you have like a death wish or something?"  
>"You sound like my mom, Rubi, and Vivi. Just 'cause I do some stupid shit doesn't mean I have a death wish. And I didn't know it was a zombie-making burger, I just knew that the one guy ate it and had a seizure. It seemed like such a waste of burger..."<br>"What the hell is wrong with you?"  
>"I am a high-functioning sociopath with most types of schizophrenic, I have mild ADD, species dysphoria, obviously impulse control disorder, and narcolepsy."<br>"You have all of that? What the fuck?"  
>"Yeah, and that's just from what I know. There's probably way more than that."<br>Instead of laughing, he just stared at me. I turned away, no one understands me. Do I even understand myself? I felt like leaving the last bit of society I'd probably ever find and, I dunno, live with coyotes or something. I'd probably get along with them better than humans. But that'd mean not killing zombies. Never mind. I'd rather kill zombies.  
>Columbus was starting to fall asleep, so I punched him, "Don't wimp out on me now, Columbo. I still can't sleep."<br>Fucking Columbo was still sleepy. "You're never gonna fall asleep.. Let me just.. Close my eyes a little.. I can still hear you."  
>"God, dude, that's the line my grandma always fed me when I tried to change the channel while she was taking a nap." But he was already asleep. Or maybe he can actually hear me. I'm not so sure... "And then I went streaking through Walmart with all of my friends and somehow stole a bottle of wine..."<br>He sat back up immediately, giving me a weird look, "You what?"  
>"Just making sure you were paying attention."<br>"I told you I was. Geez.. Women are so sensitive and sneaky."  
>"I learned that trick from my dad. What'chu talkin' 'bout women, Willace?"<br>"Well, women are really sensitive sometimes. You can't tell them something because they won't believe you until you actually prove it to them.. Multiple times. And sometimes they don't believe you then."  
>I snickered, "So I take it Wichita is secretly sensitive?"<br>"Very."  
>Well you learn something new everyday, even if it is that someone's sensitive. "I guess that sucks."<br>"It does, but what can you do? I still love her, even if she doesn't believe my stories sometimes."  
>I smiled, it was goofy but it was really sweet too. I guess he had a really good relationship with her. I was slightly jealous of that. It's really impossible to find love in the middle of a zombie apocalypse. Especially one that survives.<br>"Are you sleepy yet?" He asked rather desperately.  
>I gave him a sarcastic look, "No, but you could at least be less irritating about it. I'll leave you in peace." I got up and left.<br>"Goodnight."  
>I made it halfway down the stairs before he followed me, "Hey Tex! Do you have any movies?"<br>I grinned, "Of course."


End file.
